Sneakly's Pages of Peril

The eternal torment of writing on the Internet is that everybody reads your stuff, whacks their monkey and moves on. I’ll admit that I’m as guilty as the next guy. I leave messages at less than 10 percent of all the web pages that I REALLY like. I’m more likely to send a note over a relatively simple technical problem that would be easy to fix (considering my HTML skills that is really bad).

Thank God for the alt.sex.stories reviewers. These people take the time not only to read my stuff, but also write a few thoughtful words about it. It boosts my ego and gives the other netizens a sense of what I’m writing about. before Celeste, there was a guy called Coyote Wyoming or something.I only found out about him during his last few months on the net. He never reviewed any of my stuff, yet he provided a great service. He also predates Deja-News, so most of his reviews, like the stories are probably lost for the most part. Celeste was a blessing. She lent a degree of stability and stature to the A.S.S. when it was getting over run with spam. She encouraged good, thoughtful writing. I was sorry to hear that she was going off line. One of the things I’ve been wondering about is the person who wrote “Piper’s favorites” that occasionally appeared in Celestial Reviews. If anyone can tell me more about this person, I’d like to know.

LadyCyrrh, I think gave balance to the news groups. She was always much more kink friendly and treated stories more like the average reader and less like an English teacher. I also always thought Celeste’s tastes were too vanilla. Here was someone that actively catered to the gay, lesbian and fetish readers.

All in all the reviewers have been kind to me over time. I always get panned for grammar and word usage (and the sin of omission). But I’ve never been seriously trashed. The one exception was this rather succinct newbie review in alt.sex.bondage (I did an author profile in Deja-News):

>Author: nomad@pop.servtech.com 1996/07/17

>Forums: alt.sex.bondage

>You are a pathetic loser. Bastardizing a cartoon show just you can

>get excited and jerk off.

>I've seen the cartoon and I know it's style...you don't even come

>close. Go fantasize about Captain Planet...he's more your style.

>Nomad

Some nice schmoe came to my defense. This was Nomads response:

>Try again. You guys wouldn't know "damsel in distress" bondage if it

>bit you in the ass. Now go watch Captain Planet with your new buddy.

You know you are a success when people look past all the nipple torture, forced feminization and fetishism and complain about you! Needless to say I was honored.

For those of you not familiar with the history of the net, alt.sex.bondage was the first subdivision of the alt.sex domain. So it has a history of being a catch all news group, covering gay, lesbian and broad variety of fetishes.

Everyone knows who Batgirl is, right? She's the daughter of Commissioner Gordon, who is the head police officer of Gotham City. That's the place where Batman and Robin hang out at. Only, things aren't quite peachy‑keen like they were back in the TV serial, in the comic books, or even in the movies.

Batman is a wuss. Robin is now called "the ball‑less wonder", for literal reasons. All the guys in charge are male chauvenist pigs. And, Wayne Enterprises has gone bankrupt. Whoah! This ain't a standard little tale, is it? Batman trying to charge licensing fees for her use of the bat‑logo? Batgirl rich? Wowza!

Anyway, The Crime School for Girls is run by Lady Penelope Peasoup. That ne'er-do-well had recently escaped from Slutmore Prison in Londinium, evaded the best of Ireland Yard, and crossed the Atlantic aboard the Queer Elizabeth. She has a thing for badgirl bondage.

That's what happens to Batgirl at just about every turn. She gets tied, chained, hog‑tied, and secured in almost every fashion imaginable. She also gets clit-clamped, nipple‑nipped, twat-teased, and royally rodded by her nemesis. Naturally, that other bat flop,

Batman, is of no use whatsoever. Poor Batgirl has to escape all those fiendishly inventive and devilishly terminal situations all on her little lonesome mostly while in the throes of a string of powerful climaxes.

Delightfully sinful. Lots of leather, rubber, and rope. Plenty of devilish dildos. An entire factory devoted to creating the ultimate in sexual aids. Many, many by-the-skin-of-her-clit escapes. This is an excellent parody of all of the Bat‑whatever shows, and is just as good as the previous story. Celestial Reviews

Penelope Pitstop's Picnic of Peril" by S. Sneakly (an571192@anon.penet.fi).I have concluded that it is impossible during a single lifetime to have great sex at least five times a week during one's entire adult life, to read and understand all the Great Books, and to watch all the great cartoons on American television. I myself have failed to various degrees in meeting these lofty standards that I once set for myself during a metaphorical private orgy of New Year's resolutions. I could never really get excited about either Thoreau or Kant, and I cannot remember watching even a single episode of Penelope Pitstop. However, after reading this story, it occurs to me that maybe I have missed something in my life.

As I understand it, the author of this treatise spent a great part of his younger years watching 'The Adventures of Penelope Pitstop" on television. Apparently the villain in this series (Sylvester Sneekley who turns into the Hooded Claw) routinely tormented the lovely Ms. Pitstop in various interesting ways, and as the author graduated to adolescence and then (possibly) to adulthood, it became obvious to him that the scenes that had initially appealed to him as exciting but childish adventures were actually fraught with sexual potential and symbolism. And so, in an attempt to get his sex life back in order, the author has written an episode of that cartoon that tells it like it really should have been told.

I need not relate the specifics. Suffice it to say that the villain masturbates while incubating his plan, then captures Penelope, then has sex with her, then describes to her in detail how she will be killed by an ingenious Rube Goldberg device that Wylie Coyote would admire, then goes to a convenient spot to masturbate and tries to time his orgasm to occur at the moment of Penelope's excruciatingly painful but artistic demise when the ore hopper will drop her onto the conveyer to the giant rock crusher where the monster machine will munch her little muff to end this meaty melodrama.

Actually, my ignorance of this story is perhaps excusable. The original cartoon appears to be of British, not American origin. The villain rides a "lift" and has a "boot" in his car in which he carries his tools and would like to carry off the oddly named Penelope, who is referred to as "perky," an adjective normally applied only to the breasts of American women but to the whole persona of their British counterparts.

This story is extremely creative. It follows my rules for a good sexual parody: it retains the key ideas of the original cartoon series and inserts sex in a natural way in order to make the story really fun. The main problem is that the grammar is very bad; but most readers will be willing to excuse this shortcoming. In addition, the language connoisseur will find some simple but interesting usage mistakes that make the story even more fun: the grand finally (finale) occurs while Penelope is in the throws (throes) of orgasm, all be it (albeit) nearly naked. Furthermore, from a cunning linguistic point of view, the absorbing and attractive alliterations nearly make up for the bad grammar, as (for example) when the villain directs his deadly dick toward the delicious denouement of the dastardly deed of penetrating the pink partitions of poor Penelope Pitstop's pulchritudinous pussy. Ratings for "Penelope Pitstop's Picnic of Peril"

"Batgirl vs. the Crime School for Girls" is more sarcastic; it opens by saying Batman and Robin have been emasculated by King Tut to become eunuchs, Batman escaping in time to reattach his member, but abandoning Robin to be a castrati. It's hilarious for this reason alone. The rest of the story follows the general outline of the "Londinium" TV episodes where Batgirl attempts to foil Lady Penelope Peasop and her coeds of crime, save there's lesbian sex. It was broader than the other and rounded out the heroine more, and had a sly, satirical sense of humor I really liked. And it gives the perfect explanation for why none of the kinky villains ever ripped off Batman's or Batgirl's mask as they were tied up to see who they really were.

Mr. or Ms. Sneakly (Yes I get this Hanna Barbera pop-cult reference) you're writing very finely tuned humor pieces. Have you thought of publishing professionally?

When the the last installment of the series was posted, Lady Cyrrh was nice to review the final chapters.

This was the final episode of Sneakly's Batgirl adventure story, and it was well worth the wait. Bondage, perilous situations, multiorgasmic sex in those perilous situations, a thoroughly evil and unrepentant wicked lesbian villainess, and camp galore...what more can you ask for? Chapters 1 through 4 are available on the author's website, so if you haven't read the previous installments of this exciting adventure, do so now.

6/11/97 Reviews) but quit writing for a few years. Now he's back with a new Batgirl series, and this time she's up against The Joker and his stripper-for-hire girlfriend, Bubbles. (I guess Harley Quinn is in the slammer.)

Based more on the 60s TV show than the comic, the story was an enjoyable romp with a sly sense of humor. Batman and Chief O'Hara are boobs, and Robin is a drunk; only Batgirl has any crime-fighting sense. The story begins when Bubbles the stripper, whose costume consists of multicolored balloons -- some filled with knockout gas -- steals some bonds from a bank president. Batgirl tracks her down to the Joker's hideout at The Lucky Latex Novelty Shop, where various bondage perils await her. First she's constricted inside a giant purple condom:

She would have had no time to react even if she had seen what was coming. The Joker slapped a red and white bulls eye on the floor with his hand. As soon as he did, a loud POW echoed through the room. The purple circle that she was stepping across shot up in the and closed her in a purple sheath of shiny latex:

Barbara was rolling around on the floor struggling in the tight confines of the latex sheath. It had closed neatly around her neck and was quickly getting tighter. It had formed a second skin over her body. Her arms were pressed to her side and she was soon unable to move them more than a few inches to either side. A warm, slimy coating on the inside of the latex let her body glide around inside the condom as she wriggled uselessly on the floor.

After she escapes, there's another peril involving a carnival dunk tank, The Joker's orgasm-inducing "joy buzzers", and a slide into a pool of soap where she's alternately suffocated and stimulated. In some places the story was darker than the author's previous works, particularly when Batgirl nearly dies in that tank and escapes only by blind luck -- it was less bondage-sexy and more snuff n' danger, and the all-in-good-fun tone was absent. However, other parts of the story were very amusing, such as the Joker's continuous fuck sessions with Bubbles (he wears boxers adorned with purple hearts) and casual sadism

("Did you really kill her Jokey?" "As a matter of fact I did, while we were fucking on a couch just like this.") If the Joker were ever to have a sex life on-screen, he'd act just like this.